How To Greet People

There was a time when greeting friends and acquaintances was easy for me; a simple "Nar'then" or "Y'alright?" was more than enough to get by on (I could even get away with nothing more than a nod of the head on occasions). Those days are gone. Now I have to follow my fellow greeters' lead, so as not to overstep the mark. Now I must choose from a whole catalogue of hellos.

There's the simple handshake, the handshake accompanied by the manly hug, the hug by itself, the hug followed by the almost kiss, and the hug followed by an actual kiss (these last two usually involve the double kiss). There is also the complicated handshake, but I haven't had to do that for a long time (not since I last bumped into my Rastafarian friend, Doc).

My problem isn't with the greetings themselves; it's knowing which I'm supposed to use, on any given occasion.

As I'm now a "luvvie", I find myself hugging and double almost kissing a lot more than I ever used to; before I started indulging my thespian tendencies that is. But I still wait to see what's expected from me first. The horror of hugging and almost kissing, when a simple "hello" would suffice, doesn't bare thinking about.

I do wonder if there is a rule book I can buy; "How To Know When It's Appropriate To Hug and Kiss Someone You've Only Met On A Few Occasions" perhaps.

I wonder how my fellow greeters know how to greet me. Is it something taught at Drama and Art School? Just what is the etiquette?

One of my housemates doesn't share my dilemma. He has overcome the problem by having just one simple greeting, which he modifies, depending on the time of day. Whoever he meets, he greets using this same method. He puffs out his chest, and in a loud voice, declares to everyone within earshot, "Good fuckin' morning/afternoon/evening Sir/Madam!". I suspect if I replied with a hug and an almost kiss, he would be mortified.

So, until I master the complexities of saying "hello", please excuse me if there is a slight hesitation whenever we meet. I'm not being rude, I am merely confused.